So I finally broke down and upgraded my laptop to Kubuntu Intrepid. Everything went great -- until I restarted, and found that my nice, neat, KDE 3.5.1 desktop had been replaced by ugly-ass KDE4. Not only did it make no attempt to import my keyboard shortcuts from KDE3, I discovered that changing the keyboard shortcuts requires you to log out and log back in. The default window decorations are ugly as sin, and even worse, the GTK integration makes all GTK apps ugly.
Edit: KDE4.2 fixes nearly all of the problems I mentioned.